Its Valentine's Day!

Its a day celebrated globally. Its a day put aside for love. A day when lovers or would-be lovers propose/re-affirm their love for eachother. Single people feel sad that they do not have anyone to share this day with. No one special to go out to dinner with or to buy gifts for or who would buy gifts for them or shower their attention and love on them.

"Being single isn't bad, what is bad is giving up hope that you will that someone special"

This was a status message put up on Google Talk by a friend. When i read this message, I initially felt very sad that people perceived that their life depended on another person. At one point of time this was true for me too. I too believed (i realise now was a perception based on crappy hindi movies) that life was nothing without love. It was nothing without having to share special moments in your life with someone who you love more than anything else in the world. But i've now come to realise and understand that love and the companionship of love is just one aspect of life. There is so much more in this world to live for - Beautiful sceneries, friends, family, work etc.

Work is ultimately what makes us who we are. It is not what we say or our beliefs that dictates who we are. It is what we do. The work we do and its effect on the world around us is what makes us who we are. Thats because then we have dedicated our lives to something and this giving meaning to our lives. This meaning is what defines us.

It is not who we spend our lives with but what we do in the time given to us that makes us who we are. Thus our lives, in reality are more dependant on what we do and not on the person we spend it with.

I believe that the whole concept of finding "that someone special" is flawed. Anyone can be "that someone special". You do not have to look through 6.5 Billion human life forms to find that someone. Statistically if you do look thru so many people you will find many "that someone special". Then what will you do? Fall in love with everyone of them?

Also, lets assume that "that special someone" exists for everybody. Dealing with such a large number there is a very high probability that you will never meet that special someone coz you might just die before you even get to know all 6.5Bn people populating this planet.

Why is it that in love we imagine the other person to be the world? Why do we think that our perfection, our lives and our growth depends on the other person? Why is it that so much of the time in love we feel suffocted and frustrated? This is because the brain mistakenly assumes a deep feeling of attachment, attraction and bonding to be love. Why else do you think there are so many instances when lust is thought of as love, when mere fondness is interpreted as love and when close and continuous proximity makes the mind believe that it needs the other person.

Love is nothing but an illusion of deep attachment which the 'heart' is fooled into thinking so by the mind. Love is a feeling that can be artificially generated. Through arranged marraige a man and a woman start living together. Through close proximity and continuous interactions over a period of time they become used to each other's presence and become emotionally attached to the other. This need, to be with the other person, is what we mistakenly call love.

Finding a partner all depends on how you respond to people. "That someone special" you are looking for and hoping to meet can be anyone you choose to be. Even the ex- boyfriend/girlfriend you had a terrible fight with, the ugliest person in school to the most beautiful person, or even that stranger you met at the bookstore.

Yes, i do know that the decision of choosing the partner depends on many factors. History, values, ethnicity, compatibility et al. But why should any except compatibility make any difference. Compatibility is an obvious need as without it the couple will not be able to stay together. But imagine if everyone realises that finding a partner depends on how he/she responds to her/him. This would make everything easier. People do not usually understand this and thus it makes all the problems.

Finding a partner all depends on how you respond to people. If you are patient and kind and understand with everybody and accept him/her as he/she is instead of making him/her change into someone you you want, then anyone you meet can be the person you've been looking for. Then the relationship you are in, will be a peaceful one with a sense of belonging. It would be true love where you both are independant but dependant at the same time. There is attraction but the attraction is filled with the need to do good for the other.

But tell me, why is it that we need to find a partner?? Can we not do without one?? Can we not exist on our own free will and enjoy our lives alone?? Yes, humans are social creatures. But we do not need to find anyone to spend the rest of our lives with. We can be single and still enjoy the moment.

But we still hope and eagerly wait to find "that someone special". Someone so perfect that he/she understands what i need before i do, understands each and every cell inside me better than i know myself, someone who will put everything on the line for me and not regret it later, someone who will be devoted only to me.

Why should we be depended on any one person?? Why can we not just do our work and go home peacefully and worry about how to perform better. The whole concept of waiting for true love and "that someone special" is nothing but a load of crap because everyone is capable of being "that someone special", you do not have to pick and choose. I'm not saying that love or attachment is bad. Its not, you should get attached to people especially when you have a high need for people. But you must remember that you cannot revolve your whole life around finding someone. That search should just be a side effect of the work that you do.

Happy Valentine's Day people!

-> SJ