Saturday, March 29, 2008

A New Lesson Learnt

Its normal to see a person, who is quite old and has lived for a long time and has already built his life, established his work and achieved a certain level; his life fall apart into pieces when all he can do is stand and witness his yrs of hard work get crushed. What is abnormal is seeing a person's life fall apart, who is young and has not done anything significant in life to fall apart.

Surprised? yes pretty surprising.

Today made me realise that my life is infact topsy turvy and everything is just clearly falling apart and breaking into a million pieces. I can't even understand why its happening and thus cant do any damage control.

Everything that i have stood for and is a core part of me seems to stop existing. I value integrity the most but it seems to me that no one in this world actually thinks that i have integrity. To me integrity is the most important thing. A person without integrity is a hollow person.

I value friendship and have always tried to make new friends and get close to them, but it seems that in my 9 months in hyderabad, forget that, in my nearly 23yrs of existence i have not made any friends who i can actually call friends for life. I have always wanted to get close to people and to help them and to build enuff trust and enuff depth in the friendship such that it means sumthn for both the people involved: me and the other person. I saw the actual nature of my life in great depth today. Everyone has someone or the other who trusted them, liked to hang out, talk and spend time with and wanted them to be around, while i was just hanging in thin air floating from here to there. I realised that in my 9 months in Hyd i had not gotten close to a single person while everybody had become close to someone or the other. Its either me or the world has some force which oppposes me. It can't be the world coz everyone has someone or the other, and i don't think its me coz i like helping and talking to people but then again it could be that i dont let anyone get close to me. And its not like i haven't gotten close to friends before, i have but in the end everything dissipates into shocked oblivion. Don't ask me why it happens, i wish i had an answer. Maybe i aint fun enuff, maybe coz i dont talk a lot but hey silence has its own voice.

Today i saw people who were really close and free in their friendship and were enjoying themselves, people who have managed to leave a deep mark on eachother, somethin they will remember for the rest of their lives, but where was i? Was i amongst them? Was i somewhere else leaving my mark on someone? nope, i was floating in between trying to find a place where i would actually fit in, but there was no space for another person to fit in. I always try to leave a mark on all of my friends so that they can remember me. One never dies as long as one has someone thinking about him. But for that you need people to think about you.

You'd probably wonder if i haven't tried enuff, but trust me when i say i have tried. I've tried a lot more than anyone else and now i'm on the verge of giving up the only pursuit i have left in this excuse called my life. I can not explain how much i have tried and can not get you to understand how hard i have tried so don't even start trying to think about it as you can never put urself into my shoes and see life the way i see it.

Its been a continuous record that i've seen in 23yrs, even the person i wanted to get closest to in college always managed to forget me all the time and I can see a gap slowly forming even with the other friends i've made, as life takes us all in different directions.

I guess it must be sumthn to do with me as everyone else seems to be normal. It must be me and my attitude that keeps everyone else at bay. When i came here i thought that this was changing and maybe i had a better future. I tried to keep hopes as high as i could but yesterday opened my eyes up and i no longer can i keep living in false hope and wishfull thinking hoping that life would become better one day and that it would actually go in my favour. I know by now that it is not to happen.

When i came to Hyd, i thought i had had a new beginning, a new way at looking at life and i had vowed that i would be fun and positive and not give up hope, not stop fighting against my stars but alas, life is much stronger than i, and now i concede defeat.

Life you win, after all our battles i'm tired of fighting and losing everytime. I shall not fight you again.

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